Panic

Well I couldn't get ahold of my Key Volunteer so I contacted the Coordinator just to see the status of the guys and what exactly is going on over there. Come to find out that 5 marines were hurt and they were released from the hospital yesterday but she could neither confirm nor deny that my husband was one of the 5... she was having to verify who I was in order to let me know any information and she would call me back... Panic struck... I went sobing hardly even able to speak to Michelle trying to explain what is going on... I called Nathan's brother to see if he heard anything... but that was a no. The hurt I felt eariler was horriable... but it was all gone and It was like I was able to breath once again when I picked up my phone that was ringing to hear "hey Babe" on the other end... of course I lost told him what I was informed... that I hated him(which of course I don't) ... that was a horriable feeling in the world... but we got to talk, finally after 18 days I know he's safe, living in a castle, having to crap in a bag then burn it and can't take a showers cause the water is cold, eating MRE's... but he's Okay!!! He'll call tomorrow so he can talk to everyone at my in-laws on Christmas Eve. I miss him so much!!!!

Leaving Base

So it’s getting to me not hearing from him… I mean I am expecting not to hear from him for a month but it’s hard when others that left also are calling their wife… just makes me wonder what he’s doing. I am guessing by the charge that posted on our account he’s out in a town in ....Afghanistan.... cause all the others were coming from a base so it worries me a little. I just want to hear his voice even if it was just I love you… I would know he’s okay… which I am sure he is but I still want to know. I know if he could call he would so obviously he can’t that’s why I haven’t heard something… I mean he has a satellite phone so he can call… And these holidays next week are going to be hard… I think being around his family without him there is going to be hard just because it’s his side of the family and He’s not home… but I’m there so it’s a reminder of where he’s at… and New years the day we got together… oh I think I am just going to be a hermit that day…. I watch that movie click last night and wish that I had that remote just to fast-forward to the end of May…

Let it Snow

It snowed last night here in Houston... Pretty Awesome. I was at my company's Christmas party when the Staff of the resturant came and told us. I went outside and wrote a Note for Nathan...

Though I wish he was here so we could have seen it together It was still good cause all I could do was think of him and know just how happy he makes me. It snowed like this in 2005 when I was in Japan, and now it does it when he's gone... Maybe we'll get lucky and it'll happen again when we're together!

They're Heading out

So Nathan called yesterday and I got to talk to him for about 30 minutes total between 3 phone calls. I miss him very much, didn’t find out much except he got our packages that we sent for Thanksgiving… yeah they got there late and some others we sent, and one from my friend Niki whose class wrote him for veteran’s day. So while on the phone we were laughing and joking a lot but I could sense something was bothering him so I asked and he said there were some groups made and he was leaving… couldn’t tell me to where or for how long just said they would be without communication so Merry Christmas and Happy New Year incase he couldn’t tell me on those days… so hopefully it won’t be that long but we’ll see.....

Being Thankful

So let’s start off that my job is at jeopardy and I have 60 days to improve or else I loose it. Apparently I don’t care about my job, or well that’s the impression that they are getting off of me… which I don’t understand how they get that. Even after the hour and a half review and nothing positive was said and I am still confused on why they think I don’t care… couldn’t really give me an example to back up truth behind it. It’s to long of a story to explain but this just sucks… I care about my Job, actually try hard, admit my mistakes and for the first time I feel that I can’t trust others I work with. Its hard but what can I do… the interview happened on the 20th and it took everything I had to stay, I wanted to walk out and be like Screw ya’ll I’m going back to the NAVY… but I thought I can’t make a decision on an impulse, I married and I need to talk to Nathan… Which I am missing now more than ever. Thanksgiving was Thursday and I had lunch at my Moms then dessert at the in laws… Nathan’s Grandma made me feel so good cause she saw me and Said I looked good, and she could tell I lost a lot of weight!!! That put a smile on my face and just talking with her in general did too… Gerri is the one I turned to with this work stuff that’s going on. It’s like since Nathan’s gone I felt like I had no one really to talk to but she listens and makes me feel better. Friday was Black Friday… got up at 2:30 in the morning and didn’t get home until 5:30… got 12 people done for $250 dollars… GO ME!

Sending Texas for Christmas!

It’s been a while but I have been busy with work and school. My Mother in Law, Gerri, and I went everywhere yesterday getting things for Nathan for Thanksgiving. We sent him some of the Demi Moore ....Turkey.... and dressing dinners so that him and a few guys there could have a meal incase they didn’t have dinner there for our guys. Of Course we sent other things like corn and fruit cups so it was very traditional (well with what we could find at Walmart) but it’s the thought that counts. I also managed to go to Hobby Lobby and get a Christmas tree and little ornaments for it that were all cowboy/Texas themed… and his stocking is a Boot that says ..Texas..… so since he can’t be in ..Texas.. for Christmas, ....Texas.... is going to him… Cute Idea huh… he’ll think it’s gay. Oh well again it’s the thought and he’ll know that we love and miss him so it’ll put a smile on his face!

1st phone call!!!!

I heard from Nathan today... finally on the phone. I can say it made me feel tons at ease and so much better... Even though he's over there it doesn't seem so bad that he is when I can hear his voice. It was just good to be us over the phone joking and acking up and calling each other names... Then I got the Oh I need list... which he said that he wanted bongos... really bongos... but hey it'f for him and I'd do anything for that guy... seriously! I can't wait to see him... I really do hope that these months fly by with him gone... he's only been gone for a few I am already on my 3rd package and he hasn't gotten the 1st yet! I told him that I sent him Rockstars and he yelled YES, I have the best wife EVER... that makes me feel so good so I hope I can keep this up!

Heartache

So last night we got the word that Nathan was leaving today. My heart sank when he told me that.... I tried calling to change my flight but it was 450 dollars more so I am now stuck here in our hotel room alone... I can say him leaving this time was far worse than any other time before. We were joking and laughing when they were told they needed to get into formation for a head check... during that time the busses showed up and my heart sank.... I never thought that him leaving would be so hard... and though I am not scared that he is going over there I am sad as hell that he's not here... that I don't get my nightly calls, we will miss our 1st Christmas married together apart... and maybe our 1st Ann.... I cried so hard once they were on that bus and even harder when I got back to the hotel and had to be alone... I cried myself to sleep to wake up and still be alone... I kept thinking that Nathan would come in lay in bed and wrap his arms around me but all I had was a teddy bear he bought me and his shirt.... this sucks so bad... I just hope these next months go by really fast and the next time I am here I'll be crying because of tears of joy....

Deployment

Alone tonight I beg,

For the strength to make it through.

I'll admit I haven't prayed in a while,

But what else can I do?

The order came just minutes ago,

It's come your time to leave.

This tonight it's killing me,

But this I cannot let you see.

I have until morning to find a way,

To smother all my tears.

I lost you once years ago,

Now it seems I am reliving all my fears.

I know tomorrow you'll stand tall,

Like you've been taught to do.

You'll hold your head up high and proud,

Like none of this bothers you.

Inside I know you're scared to death,

Of all the things to come.

But never will you question why,

For it's something that must be done.

So tomorrow when the time finally comes,

For us to say goodbye.

I'll stand just as proud as all the rest,

Not one tear will touch my eye.

Instead I'll kiss you one last time,

God knows when I'll get the chance again,

Until that time I'll be waiting for you patiently,

My Husband, My Marine, My Best Friend.....

Excited

So I have 3 more nights to myself before I am sharing the bed with my husband again... WOOOOOO HOOOOOO anyways Him and I are excited to see each other even though we know where he is leaving to go to which is the reason why I am coming out. My mother in law is coming for the weekend as well, thank god cause I know we both need her, so it should be a fun time though it's supposed to rain all weekend. Though I am nervous and scared I don't tell Nathan... cause he tells me he's nervous and scared, though I think he knows I am he sees that I am trying to remain strong for the both of us... cause to other people everyone thinks he's fine and excited to go over there, but I hear different from him... and though I don't want him to be nervous or scared to go over there it makes me feel better that I know how he feels and he's not hiding it to me as well. As far as me moving to ....North Carolina.... that has been put on hold. The way the economy is going we think it's best if I stay here and he gets out in August 2010... seems like a long time but if you think about it he'll be gone for a year, then I would have to wait for him to get housing set up when he got back (which could be as late as January 2010 to turn around and leave to come back home 7 months later... I would loose a good job and not be able to apply for nursing school here. So that's where we stand...

Finally!

Oh Where do I begin, lets see I finally got my plane ticket to go see Nathan, who by the way leaves on the 15th. It was just stressful having to deal with the changes all the damn time with what date he was going to be leaving, like it even changed last night, the last word I got from him was that he didn't know so I planned on heading out the night of the 7th to attend the Marine Corps Ball with him on the 8th and then leave on Sunday... he called last night to inform me that for sure he would be leaving on the 15th (thank god I didn't buy my plane tickets) But I have got them now and will be seeing him from the 10th through the 15th. My 2 cents on it though is that it is so frustrating not knowing when something will be, it's like they should tell him because he has family that would like to know... DUH! but hey I can relate because I was in that same situation a few years ago.. not knowing when we were going to leave, so I came home on leave to be recalled 10 days later... when it's time to go that's when they will let you know... I hate that system!

Yikes... IKE!!!

So we just got internet back... it was gone thanks to IKE! I haven't been able to talk to Nathan much since the hurricane hit because he has been busy finishing up his training out in 29 Palms before he heads back to Camp LeJeune. School started back up today as well so that's back to normal and will help occupy my time until I can go and see him off... which who knows when that will be. As far as he knows it's between the 10th through the 19th. Damn Military!

Conteemplating

So I have been contemplating on what I should do with moving to ....North Carolina.... or not, and I have decided to do so; even if Nathan chooses to get out of the Marines. I love being home because my family and friends are here but I want my husband way way way more. So I will be leaving the great state of ....Texas.... somewhere between May and July of 2009 to go set up a home there and before fall semester starts. I am so excited and nervous at the same time. I'm excited about knowing I will be with Nathan every day but my nerves are getting me a little outta wack because I will be leaving my family, which is my support system and my best friends that I count on through thick and thin when Nathan is gone. I don't like the fact that I will once again be missing out on so many peoples lives that I have already missed for 4 years and have spent the past 2 getting back in, to leave again. That part sucks, it also sucks that I am leaving a wonderful job that I actually enjoy doing and love the people I work with and for, I don't think I could find a better job even though it's not my dream job. It's going to be so hard find a job like that in NC. I hate the fact that I am going to have to spend way more money to attend college because I will now be an out of state resident. I don't even want to begin to think that I have to find a home get it set up and get everything from here moved to there or even how much that is going to cost. Though looking at all that negative there is a greater positive that awaits me there and that is the love of my life. He's stationed there and can't leave. He wants me there and I want to be with him even if it means leaving everything (again) that I have known to be with him. I can't wait until he comes home to me every day and goes to bed with me every night. I can't wait for us to start planning a family with each other and you can't do that when one person is far from the other. This is going to come as a shock to some of my friends and some I have told so far are saying that Nathan is being selfish and pulling me from what I know, but I can say that if anyone's husband or wife was being relocated they would go because that's their life, and Nathan is mine. I chose to be with him and I chose to be a Marine wife…

I heard his ring tone

Finally got to talk to Nathan today… My phone started ringing with his ringer and I got all excited!!! I have actually been looking at places besides Ashlynn Manor to have our wedding…and we talked about that but it still looks like it will be there (its beautiful there) and he actually said he'd wear his blues to that wedding!!!!! I start my fall classes today which is good because it will help time go by faster until I get to go see him off… though I am nervous because I don't think I will do that well in A&P… though Nathan encouraged me with his kind words of 'Don't worry about it just do good' LOL that's what I'm nervous about… damn Loser… that's what I married… but I love him…

No Bars No Place... they don' thave us covered

Nathan called… using a calling card. I should call and complain that they don't have signal where he is at… but I was just happy to talk to him… He said it's hot and he'll be there for about 40 days… then they come back to NC. I miss him… and that Carrie Underwood song just a dream is playing in the Background… lord good song, just hope it doesn't come true….

SERIOUSLY

I was standing in line at Kroger just minding my own business today and the lady in front of me was talking on her cell Phone… yeah heard her say that her Husband was going to be out of town for a week and that she needed a girls night in so she wouldn't miss him because it's been hard for the past couple of days… Are you serious, like for real does this lady even know what I live on a daily basis… she couldn't handle my life… for real don't complain cause you have to go a week without your 'other' there are tons of Military families missing their Wives, Husbands, Aunts, Uncles, Daughters, Sons, Brothers, Sisters, Moms and Dads for way more than a week cause they are defending our freedom…. Okay I'm off my soap box now!!

29 Palms

Nathan left for 29 Palms today… he called while he was in Dallas on a lay over, said he took his Phone but didn't know if he'd have signal… guess we will have to wait and see.

Bad Dream

So I had a dream, a very very bad dream that I shouldn't have had…. I woke up a few minutes later though to a wet pillow…. Nathan called shortly after and I told him about it as he told me that they were leaving on the 17th to go to 29 Palms, Ca for training for a month… Yeah and they aren't leaving on the 22nd of September it should be towards the end of October now, gotta love the Military…

Married Alone Lifestlye

Well I am back into the 'alone' lifestyle again… getting used to the daily phone calls that last forever to talk about nothing… and when I mean nothing that's what it is, but hey I'm on the phone with my man that's all that matters. He's slowly getting things that I need to process back into the Military, just as a dependent' this time done and we have gotten word that he will be leaving on the 22nd of September to go to ....Iraq....… Woo, yeah right. I can't believe that it has to be that day, I was wanting his mom to go with me to see him off but that's the day of his step-dads surgery, so it looks like I am gonna go through this alone… god help the person sitting next to me on the plane ride back to Houston…

Day One!

Today is a rough day. I said bye to Nathan again… Lord that is the hardest thing I have to do and I have done it 3 times now… I now know what my family felt like when I would leave, but it's still a little different because that's my Husband. I have never felt like my heart was beating outside my body like it has been today. I have cried and keep crying like seriously I think that I should be all shriveled up by now. I left the airport and crying and cried all the way back to the office. Michelle (my friend at work) made me feel tons better cause we decided to have Fuddruckers for Lunch… comfort food is what we call it… and to take my mind off the fact he wasn't here anymore. Nathan called shortly after to say he was back in ....North Carolina.... and I lost it all over again… When I got home from work that was the worse… to things he left (by accident) kept the tears flowing. I somehow managed to fall a sleep to wake up to Nathan calling and the crying started all over again… it's going to take a few to get used to being by myself again.

Dreams

Visions of her run though my head,
taking off her clothes and climbing into bed.

I feel the pounding throughout my heart,
As you begin to touch her because we are far apart.

You have givin in, temptation has won;
While I'm here alone and faithful, you have the gun.

I can feel the tears running down my face;
I now wake up in a different place.

Realizing this can happen is a chance willing to take,
I just hope you won't be the one to make my heart break.

Images still present in my mind, for I know what I saw,
So to calm my nerves, I give you a call.

I lay back down and close my eyes
Remembering sometimes Dreams can be lies.